So I've been bad...

about not posting, you guttermind! hah...I've also been bad with b/p stuff on monday...so terrible :( But at least I didn't gain from it. I am still super stuck at 196. ughhh. I can remember being stuck here before. Then at 184. I have been working out for like two hours a day and eating seriously nothing. fuck this ughhhhh. I want so badly to be down to at least 194 for halloween. I hate looking at those numbers, I am so ashamed. :( I have had a loooong weekend as I dont have to go back to work until tomorrow, but my boss was being kind of creepy the last time I was there, telling me that he feels bad for cheating on his wife and I was just like...oh. Can I go now? I don't understand it, maybe because I am so fat they think of me in that way so it makes me confidable? I don't know. I hate working at that stupid store in general, retail sucks. I can't wait to start school again, so hopefully I can pull the money together in the next few weeks to sign up for new classes. urrghhh. I say that too much hahahahaHope you all are having lovely days! :)

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Don't give up what you want most for what you want for one moment

So its friday morning. Tonight my friends and I are going to a haunted house. Which I like, but I know when I'm in there I'm going to be freaking out. I fasted all day yesterday too, except for in the afternoon I was pretty close to passing out, so I ate half an apple. Then I couldn't get out of dinner with my mom and sister so I had a bowl of soup and half a biscuit. And last weekend I just know that my sister knew I was purging, so I couldn't do it last night. :/ Its probably for the best though, because I feel like I'm hitting a plateau. Its funny, I am so mad at myself for eating what actually was a very small meal, but I felt like I engulfed an entire supermarket. hah. Then, because I was worried I'm plateauing, I worked out for an extra 45 min and now my legs feel like jelly. But its nice.I really like this quote: "Don't give up what you want most for what you want for one moment."But I feel more like, "If people knew I am almost passing out because I eat under 300 cal a day, they would wonder, well why are you so fucking fat then?" ughhhhh. I've just got to keep on truckin I suppose.Have a great day everybody...Thanks for all of your sweet comments, and for following!!! :)

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I shouldn't let it get to me...

not much new..just working and all that...I fasted for the last two days, and I was down to 195 yesterday, but then when I weighed myself this morning I was at 200 again and I literally cried for like twenty minutes. ughhh. Just water weight, I suppose? But still, it freaks me out and scares me. I am so embarrassed by myself. I let myself go so bad. I have been with my bf for two years, and I got super depressed last spring and I would just eat whenever he ate, and now its like I'm a fucking parade float.Not to mention all of these super thin girls hit on him all the time. He is so sweet tho, he doesn't even pay attention to them, and I know that he loves me, and I trust him completely, but last night he told me that one of them said he could do so much better than me. I seriously saw red and wanted blood, but also I feel super depressed by it. I know that I'm fat as shit, but I'm not terrible looking in the head. ughhhh. I seriously just want to punch this stupid girl in the face, but she lives like three states away. WTF. I hate catty bitches. I am going to think about that today while I'm running hah. I will be thin again dammit!!!!

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Insomnia...fun.

Ugh. Sooo. I totally can't sleep. I hate that. On the bright side, I stay up late reading all these blogs, so then I sleep in the next day which usually eliminates breakfast and lunchtime which is nice, then a tea for dinner and I'm set. I was supppppposed to fast today, but I am completely weak so I ended up eating a small salad for dinner because I felt super faint. :/My bf and I got in a fight, well...He got super mad and took it out on me, but I'm not the sort of person who argues, I just take it and end up sitting in front of the mirror trying to pull all of my disgusting fat off(I wish it was that easy!) I really have always been the kind of person who would rather not say anything than get in a fight with someone I love, and it seems like that makes it easier for people to yell at me. I don't think they realize that it all just goes into my already prevalent self hate mantras.That sounds so...melodramatic, so I'm sorry haha...still. Its kind of sick, but I like being unhappy because it makes fasting so much easier. for me at leasttt.I seriously can't believe I let myself get this fat and disgusting. :( I hate feeling like there is cement jello pasted all over my body. I will NOT eat tomorrow. nonononononononono. Good luck everyone! :)

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Weekend recap

This weekend is going pretty well so far.  On friday my bf and I went to my friends house, but then some other people there started doing drugs so we left.  I was supposed to see where the wild things are originally, but we ended up walking around looking for a pizza shop because we didn't want to be around the drug stuff.  I was soooo good.  All of these pizzas were staring at me saying eat me, eat me...But I just had a Diet Coke :)  

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some new thinspo...

Just woke up, had to put the trash out.  Now I'm trying to keep busy so I won't stuff my fat face.  I have to go to the bank soon, so until then I will post some new pics for thinspo :)

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thursday.

Today went really well, and I thought before I wasn't going to write my weight until I get down again, because its SO embarrassing.  But I don't know anyone on here so I might as well be honest.  I am at my highest weight ever and I completely hate myself for letting myself go this much.  I have always gone back and forth, but never this bad. I gave into eating whatever I want and just avoided reflective surfaces and would tell myself that i wasn't that bad.  But it is.  I am 40 pounds heavier than when I met my boyfriend, and even back then I was unhappy with my weight.  So, about a month ago I just couldn't take it anymore and I am back on track! :)  

Anyway, so my highest weight was 216. I hate typing that. grosssssss.  But as of today I am officially back under 200! :) 198 all day.  I was so happy I didn't even eat anything at all! :)  

Its so much easier when I am busy and I can put my mind to my tasks.  I like getting super involved at work and now I am cleaning up the house, which actually is super fun to me. 

I love how after you get a few new cleaning supplies you feel like you could clean every inch of  your house.  I usually get about 3/4 of the way through until I get distracted haha.  

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I wish...

I wishhhh I could keep blogging and not have to go to work! :)

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so. first post.

I don't really know why I am starting my own blog, I guess because I get a lot of inspiration from reading others posts. And, as I think I said in the description, I used to keep a handwritten journal, but it seems like I can't keep that secret, and I want a more generalized recollection........not just these pages and pages of self-loathing and food obsession. Not that I'm not going to write about those things here probably. hah. Either way, I am EDNOS, and although I don't condone ed's, I am not going to stop restricting and all that. I let myself go and now I am more unhappy than I have ever been in my life. More than that, I don't know. maybe its denial, but I don't think I have a disorder. I know when I look better, and I can feel all of this fat stuffed inside my skin. I am unhealthy and weighed down and I hate it. I lost my control and I need to get it back. I will get it back!

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